Birth Story - Home Edition

We prepared for a home birth two years ago that didn't end as we planned, but that was no one's fault and my wife was able to finish strong at a hospital with no complications. But that is another story for another time.

This story is how we came to meet Gwendolyn.

a room with no view

Our apartment is average for a three bedroom. The main issue is that we have accumulated enough possessions to fill an average house. My wife, Laura, has already bought all the clothes we'll need for any and all children we have, as well as any orphans and foundlings that turn up (up to size 2T). Having a thrift store with a great selection just down the street has proved to be a great resource and a storage nightmare. But somehow, with all the cramming, boxing, and moving everything we can into the basement, we've managed to carve out a nursery that had room for a 60 gallon birthing tub. Thanks to a two-hundred-year-old oak, the single window gets little sunlight, but it does allow a nice breeze, as on the day we needed it.

Having everything purchased and tested ahead of time gave us more options for decorating, settling on a Hundred Acre Wood theme with little "hunny pots" and branches suspended from the ceiling. Cozy and feeling prepared, we waited for labor to start naturally. And at nine days past her due date, Gwendolyn had waited long enough.

before dawn

Sleeping next to a pregnant woman is not always a reasonable option. Laura had several pregnancy related symptoms that didn't just keep her up at night, but also separated us several nights a week. Constant dry-mouth thirst combined with little room in the pelvis means mama doesn't sleep more that three hours at a time without a potty break. Heartburn, hot flashes, itchy skin - you name it, it was keeping her up at night. So when insomnia gave way to exhausted deep sleep, she relaxed so completely that snoring became my lullaby. Not "wow, it'll be hard to sleep now" snoring, but "woke me up from my own sleep and drove me out to the couch" snoring. Somewhere between a chainsaw and an outboard motor in sound and decibel level, I could still hear her through closed doors and walls between us.

This night, however, I heard sounds of discomfort. Loud enough to wake me up and odd enough to raise concern I asked, "What was that?" She said, "About ten minutes." She had been awake since a quarter to five, and having taken a walk around the block, returned after several consistent contractions. Now I'm wide awake at six in the morning, pulling out my phone to start the timer for the next one.

keeping time

The next ten hours passed with little to mention. Contractions got stronger and closer together. We alerted our midwife (and then backup midwife, more on that later) that today is the day! We didn't want anyone to get too excited until we were in active labor, so we held off on calling anyone else but our mothers. Hours passed without noticing much time. I was always getting food and water, and checking the stopwatch function on my phone religiously to track progress. Everything was going so well that when labor kicked into high gear, it was almost surprisingly on track. Our first experience with labor was start and stop, three steps forward, two steps back. Two days of waiting only to transfer to a hospital when Laura was too exhausted to continue without some rest. But not this time, not this baby. She was on her way, and with contractions now becoming painfully strong, we called the midwife.

"you're not going anywhere"

Early labor, with slow and steady progress, is quite manageable. With a little to eat, a little to drink, some Netflix, time passes. Laura was handling it like a champ. Then active labor feels like you're losing control. Each new contraction could feel like an eternity or come and go quickly. At least, that was the impression I was getting from Laura, who was now attached to me like I was her anchor in the rising tide of pain. On her knees and leaning over the rim of the tub, she wouldn't let me move anymore, gripping my arms or legs to be sure I didn't leave her side. I would sit in that folding chair for the duration. Once, I thought to make a phone call, or scoot back a little, and she grabbed me and said, "You're not going anywhere!" and I decided I'd have to call her mother later (when I did finally call Grandma Jill to tell her about her new granddaughter, she said "But... I didn't get there!" Sorry, Mom, I was going to call, but I was too busy "helping".)

The next hour was all action. We got meet our new midwife, the highly esteemed B we had heard so much about (our midwife was on a vacation that weekend, so her midwife came in her absence.) And she was wonderful. The kindest, most gentle woman we could have hoped for. She was there right in time and she really eased into the situation, checking vitals and taking notes. About then, M arrived as well, a birth assistant and doula, who was there when our son was born. Laura was reaching the end of her tolerance for the pain and strain on her body when they arrived, but we didn't have to wait much longer.

labor land is a real place

Laura went into a trance at this point. Aware of only the here and now, communication with a woman in active labor is about short and direct sentences. I was no longer of help in this area, I didn't know what to do, and couldn't see anything from my position. Laura was starting to nod off between contractions, so the next part was a bit of a blur for both of us. All of a sudden, she was startled awake by the fact that she was pushing, without her knowledge or consent. Her body had switched modes and was now ready to bring baby on out. Screaming at the sudden strength and purpose of the contraction, she was snapped out of her sleep. "I'm pushing!" Laura yelled. The midwife said, "Go right ahead, baby is almost here." M got her attention and explained what to do next. It was just what Laura needed to focus and give it all she had. Just a few more pushes and baby was in the water. Laura rolled and sat up and they handed us our slippery little angel. 

We just stared at her as she gasped and coughed, taking in her few first few breaths. It took five minutes before we even checked if she was a girl or boy. We were just stunned she was finally here.

Not once have I thought it could have been any better. 12 hours of labor, the perfect timing of our birth team. Laura and baby in perfect health. I am so thankful for all the great work and support.

no regrets

Home birth was and is the best decision for our family. If you have a low risk pregnancy, I highly recommend you consider it and talk to a Certified Nurse Midwife right away. Always go with the highest level of care you can find for you and your baby, and never settle for the second best option. Let your birth story be about what you did, not what "happened to you."

Our Home Birthing FAQ

Watch it, it's a good show. Bring tissues.

When you're preparing for a baby, people love to give advice and ask personal questions. Most mean well, and they are really just trying to gauge what kind of person you are by your birth/child related choices. Others are downright pushy. But this post is about the surprising variation in what people expect based on certain bits of information, and conclusions they jump to when you mention you're planning a home birth. A few categories:

The skeptics

"What do I do?" "Nothing dear, you're not qualified."

Advancement in TV medical drama has produced a hospital-based birth expectation among people that grew up watching American-style TV. There is an expectation of a birth "emergency", but childbirth is usually a slow, steady process with predictable success. I've been asked a few standard questions from this side.

"What if something goes wrong?"

My wife is a rock star. For our first child, she was in labor for ~63 hours, when our midwife recommended we move her to a hospital when she failed to progress half-way through the second night of labor. An epidural and a few hours sleep allowed her to recharge and have a successful natural birth of our 11 lbs baby. Yes, 11 lbs. It was the right choice to move to the hospital, there were very simple complications. However, we will be laboring at home for a planned home birth again. It is very likely we will be successful at home this time. We are dedicated to creating an environment of non-intervention until it's clear that medical intervention will be needed to avoid a crisis situation. Hospitals are built for crisis, and doctors get impatient when you go off their textbook timetables. Home birth is the right choice for us because there is no reason to believe that we are in more danger birthing at home than in a hospital.

"Is this a hippie thing?"

No, we are not doing a home birth out of a counter-culture rejection of modern medicine. We love modern medicine. But medicine is for when something is wrong. Most births are completely normal and require very little help from anyone. If things start going sideways, there is usually plenty of time to transfer to a hospital when intervention becomes necessary. Until then, we plan on being at home for the duration of labor and delivery.

"Do people still do that?"

Yes, in fact we know several people who have, including my own mother with all four of her children. Home birth has never been totally off the radar, and is just as safe for normal "low risk" pregnancies as hospital birth.

The naturopaths

I love our birthing community; the midwives and doulas in our area do amazing work. At the extreme end of this birthing spectrum are some folks who are really, really into home birth. They also tend to be into home everything. Backyard gardens, homemade clothes, home-brewed beer. They are dedicated to green and natural living, and that is wonderful. However, some of them also believe in a few odd things that lead to other questions:

"Are you going to eat/encapsulate the placenta?"

No. My lifelong goal of not willfully consuming human flesh prohibits me from eating placenta, no matter what dubious claims of nutrition are reported, or magical powers it may bestow. We may bank the cord blood because that is breaking science that could save lives someday, including our own.

"Will you be vaccinating?"

Yes, most certainly. Vaccination has saved thousand of lives, and countless millions of dol... no wait, they did count it up. $395 Billion dollars saved, and that's just because of the last 20 years of vaccination. "Polio cases have decreased by over 99% since 1988, from an estimated 350 000 cases then, to 406 reported cases in 2013. The reduction is the result of the global effort to eradicate the disease."

It's a proven science. Do you know what has been disproved? The link to autism.

The religious

They might have opinions about home birth, but this group is mainly concerned about rituals and rites, and so these questions only make sense in a religious context. I was raised in the church, but some people can be more than a little pushy. I'm only including them because these questions have come up more often than I expected.

"Will you be circumcising?"

I understand that there are some religious and ethnic traditions that continue to be observed, even when there is no good reason for mutilating an infant's genitals. As for my sons, they will be left as they are, just like the girls. The more I think about it, the more strange it becomes to even consider it.

"When will they be baptized?"

If all goes well, we might just bless the birthing tub water and consider it done. Otherwise, I'm sure it will come up at some point later and they can decide for themselves if baptism is for them. 

We will be fine

Really, if you've read this far, we don't need any more advice, but we love talking about birthing choices. Home birth is a natural choice that be made in a rational, science-loving home. If you still have questions, you can ask me on Facebook or Twitter. 

Post-PAX Super Let Down Show

All that glisters is not gold

I have been looking forward to attending a Penny Arcade Expo since long before I was able to snag a couple tickets in the internet free-for-all that is PAX ticket sales. They sell out in mere hours, and many of them are then resold for many times their face value on the web. But the vast majority are purchased for personal use, with the envious have-nots told they should have been quicker. I wanted this to be the ultimate gamer party, a land of acceptance, nerd pride, and gamer glory. What my wife and I found was a truly cheap experience, making our $75 3-Day-Badges (which we were constantly asked to show to Enforcers) feel about as special as the plastic they are printed on.

I got a golden ticket...?

The first thing you learn about PAX tickets is that they are by far the least expensive thing about a trip to Boston. Airfare, lodging, transportation, food, hand sanitizer... it all adds up to WAY more money spent than PAX alone can make it worth the trip. Which is why my wife and I showed up a couple days early so we could take in the local sights and history of Boston. It's a beautiful city, with a high density of American heritage. Paul Revere, Ben Franklin, Samuel Adams, George Washington all spent a lot of time in Boston to say and do all the things needed to start a war with England. We walked the Freedom Trail from Boston Common to Charlestown. We stood at the site of the Boston massacre, we sat in a pew at the Old North Church, and we walked the decks of the well-preserved USS Constitution. This was worth the trip in my mind, as we had a great (thought tiring) time walking through history. Going to PAX was bit of a let down after taking in so much real meaning and culture. But that is only the beginning of the problems that adult perspective lets you see.

PAX is too many things going on at the same time, and few are done well. Let's start where we did: the Expo floor. To get in before 11am, you have to join the queue and sit on a concrete floor for... well, it depends on how long you want to wait in each line. Show up at the Convention center and wait for two hours on a cold slab, you get to be first on the Expo floor, so if you hurry (and can quickly find the booth you want to see most), you only have to wait a few minutes before you can try the 10-15 demo of the game that will be on sale in a month anyway (if it's not already available). If you choose to wait in the main queue only an hour, you might be waiting another hour in the booth queue anyway. We saw capped (maxed out) booth queues with four hour estimated wait times. That's half the day. For a 10 minute demo. I would suggest that the exhibitors don't know what the hell they are doing, but after one XBOX booth attendant rejected my suggestion how they could speed up their hands-off demo of their open beta I-could-download-it-to-my-PC-right-now "game maker" Project Spark, she told me they found the way they were doing one-on-one demos for 20+ minutes per person (at four stations) "provided a better experience." I told her waiting in line for 45 minutes watching the group demo right in front of us to be sufficient experience and promptly left the line. 

There were a few nice things that happened down there. I got to meet and lose a match to a Killer Instinct game dev. We got to run around collecting pins and buttons from the various booths that were giving them away with each demo. We tried a lot of really nice indie games, some of which we will be buying instead of an XBOX. But best of all, we got to leave the expo floor, leaving it's confusing, unlabeled tape line queues and underwhelming exhibits for the next thing we heard were fun at PAX: Panels.

Walk your feet off and then sit your butt off

Good gravy, the Boston Convention and Exhibition Center is HUGE. It is, no joke, 1000 ft end-to-end, 600 ft wide, and 3.5 floors. Did I mention that I'm too old for this crap? I had already spent two days walking around Boston, and now I was going to spend 8 hours a day on my already aching feet trying to get from one theater to the next, often from one end of the BCEC to the other. This is the part of PAX no one talks about - walking and waiting take more of your time than any other activity. Nothing is worse than waiting in the expo queues, but waiting for everything started to get on my nerves. Mostly my leg nerves, because sitting on the floor isn't something people over 30 are good at anymore, and certainly not my 6-months-pregnant wife. However, the nicest people I got to meet at PAX I met in queue for a panel. The experience feels a lot like church - you're sitting too close to people you don't know, but you're both there for the same reasons. Before you know it, you're talking and joking, and you never even learn each other's names. I mean, I didn't get anyone's name the whole time we were there. The queue friendships are many, but fleeting. It helps to develop the sense of community everyone raves about PAX, but it doesn't help that half of the panels you attend aren't worth waiting for in the first place. 

Some panels are made of experts in their field, but put on boring, business-like presentations. Others are just enthusiasts of one kind or another but know little about public speaking. For every panel worth attending, you get 20 minutes into the next one and start thinking "Damn, I should have gone to the panel instead!" With literally hundreds of feet between you and the next panel on your schedule, any wasted time and energy becomes a severe disappointment. Also, there weren't anywhere near enough maps or signs to find your way around easily. We got lost and disoriented over and over again for the first two days, only really getting our bearings on Sunday. It was a constant frustration that would have been very, very easy to help by printing more "You Are Here" maps and signs directing you TO the specially named theaters that you only knew you had found by standing right in front of them.

Then there was the time we got on an elevator, then 13 more people got on the elevator, then the elevator didn't make it all the way down to the next floor, so we had wait 10 minutes to be freed by maintenance men. With a guy that thought he might puke. That was... terrifying. The point is, if you're going to PAX, you can't be too prepared for anything.

You get nothing! You lose! Good day, sir!

Overall, I had a good time at PAX, but not because they made it easy. It was a maze, a hike, a sham, and my casual gamer wife had nearly nothing to do. I laughed at the Make-A-Strip panel with Gabe and Tycho in a way that made me realize why I've been a fan of their work for so long. The concerts Friday and Saturday were very nice and made up for some of the BS that we had to deal with earlier in the day. Some of the cosplay was the most detailed, intricate work I have ever seen outside of the movies. We walked away with a collection of the rarest pins that were available at the show. And the best part for me is we got to meet most of the cast of PATV's Strip Search (probably my favorite reality show ever). Every one of the artists were just as warm and fun as they were on the show, and the conversations we got to have with some of them was like talking to friends. There was also a thousand things we didn't do at all, like compete in the game tournaments, try the open console play rooms, or demo tabletop games with the vendors. In the end, my Willy Wonka theme is holding true: you can walk into PAX expecting a magical experience, but in the end you have to give up all your expectations, hand in your everlasting gobstoppers and walk out knowing there is no lifetime supply of chocolate. The only thing we went home with is a little swag and a few nice memories of a few nice people that we never would have met without Penny Arcade. Was it worth it? Barely.

Gadgets, Utensils and Appliances

Why oh why are we obsessed with gadgetry in the kitchen? Most are supposed to ease a problem that no one has. I saw this one just yesterday:

The worst thing about cooking is touching or smelling like food

Now, a lot of things in my kitchen do just one thing, but they do it to many kinds of foods. Knives cut, peelers peel, blenders blend. Sometimes novelty spatulas are shaped as to ruin any utility:

What the hell am I supposed to do with a squirrel shaped spatula??

The gadgets come in when there is one task that you were never shown how to do properly. Egg separators are a good example. Sometimes we need just egg whites, but how to do we separate the yolk without breaking it? You could use an egg separator to catch the yolk, or carefully pick up the yolk with a water bottle, or you can do what chefs do:

Boom! That's one less gadget in the drawer. Some gadgets are worth it, like my garlic press and citrus zester, but there are dozens of one-task gadgets that you'll want to avoid. I don't know about you, but with my tiny kitchen, I need all my drawer space for utensils.

Three drawers and a utensil jar to be precise

Whip It

One way you'll know something is a utensil is if you might use it every day. I keep as many utensils where I can get at them quickly, and any other occasional-use tools go in a separate drawer. Your favorite foods and cooking habits may be different from mine, but some things are useful for every cook.
This is a short list of essential kitchen tools (play a seek-and-find game with the above image):
Knife set,
Large bowl,
2 smaller bowls,
Measuring cup and/or cups,
Measuring spoons,
Cooking spatula (AKA "turner"),
Silicone spatula (AKA "scraper"),
Peeler, 

Wooden mixing spoon,

Slotted spoon,

Ladle,

Whisk,

Kitchen shears,

Colander,

Sieve,
Grater/Shredder,

Can opener,

Tongs
Rolling pin
Oven mitts/pot holders
Apron

If you're still whipping eggs with a fork, a whisk is much better. If you're scraping all your bowls with a metal serving spoon, buy a nice spatula (a regular one, not a squirrel-shaped one.) Preparing food with nothing but tableware is a frustration you don't need when learning to cook all your own meals. Gather a few essentials you  might be putting off.

Electric Boogaloo

The most expensive things in your kitchen probably run on electricity. Toasters are ubiquitous. Everyone has a microwave now, but big or small, it's only going to be good for a few things, not meals. The three machines I wouldn't want to do without now are my blender, toaster oven and Kitchenaid stand mixer.

A blender is a blender, don't be fooled by "wave technology" or "bullet" designs. The rule of thumb is the more you pay for it, the less likely the motor or other moving parts will break. Glass is easier to clean than plastic, but is heavier. I've had good luck with Oster, but that's not an endorsement, just don't buy the cheapest blender at the store.

My toaster oven takes up a lot of counter space, but I use it every week. The convenience of toasting or baking small amounts of things on a digitally timed cycle with predictable temperature control is amazing. It saves time and energy, it doesn't heat my whole kitchen in summer, and I can use it when my oven is already occupied. I still use my oven for baking cakes, roasts, rise-in-oven pizzas, or pastries, but when I want freezer to oven entrees like breaded fish fillets or chicken strips, it's so nice to set the timer and walk away knowing they won't over-bake.

"There are many like it, but this one is mine."

Last but importantly, my KitchenAid stand mixer is the most used appliance I own. There are other brands, yes, but KitchenAid dominates the stand mixer market because of reliability. If you're on a budget, an electric hand-mixer at a tenth the price works just as well for many things, with a little more time and effort. But if you can save up, even the base model or a used KitchenAid can do things the hand mixers can't, like knead pizza dough and stir thick cookie dough.

That's all for now. Make the best use of the space and time you have. Remember you're cooking for health and connection to your food. Avoid lazy gadgetry and buy the most useful tools for your collection. 

transitional informatics

My blogging has been slowing down due to a serious mental instability that I inherited from my progenitors. I am like a lot of personal bloggers in that I need this as a way to get the thoughts out of my head, otherwise I become overwhelmed with competing drives and I end up wasting entire days doing nothing. I used to think this fault was a lack of will or pressure, and I would blame myself for being "lazy". But I can be a very hard worker, and for little to no money if I'm enjoying myself, but I didn't suspect this type of paralysis could be linked to my previously known bi-polar/anxiety issues. Just a heads up.

Also, I'm now employed as a letter-stuffing, phone-message-taking temp, full time. Which mean posts will be mostly on the weekends, with some short posts during the week. I will be live-blogging about our trip to PAX EAST 2014 in Boston, starting 4/8, which will be on my Tumblr and Twitter accounts (#PAXEast).

Check back soon for the next of my Food Noob Series, "Gadgets, Utensils and Appliances".

Until then, here's a Finnish magician blowing the minds of dogs with his mad skilz:

Laaaaaterrrrrrsssss...

Food Fails pt 2

While I was doing more research into more Food Fails, I had the following conversation with my wife, Laura:

L "Do you have to stand there and stir it the whole time?"
Me "Yes."
L "Why? It seems dumb that you have to stand over it."
Me "Most cream sauces like gravy have to be stirred the whole time or they'll cook unevenly and burn."
L "Oh, I didn't know that."

It's here that I realized I was going about my research the wrong way. Food Fails are pictures of food that was almost okay. I need to start where the fear begins, where the fires start. I need to go all the way back to grilled cheese.

Starter foods

I don't know an adult that cannot make a grilled cheese, even if it's a bad one. My wife is afraid of cooking most things, but not grilled cheese because it's a very simple recipe:

2 slices of bread

1 slice of cheese (probably a plastic wrapped "cheese single")

Butter

Place any size skillet over fire. Butter both slices of bread. Place one slice butter-side down on skillet, stack unwrapped cheese on top, and add second slice of bread butter-side up. Check underside using a spatula. Crap, it's already burning. Flip sandwich and turn heat down to low. Wait 30 seconds. Is the cheese melting? Yes? Good. Is the bottom tan? Kinda? It's done. It's a little darker on one side, but you can scrape that off. Flip onto plate and cut corner-to-corner. TURN OFF STOVE.

Seriously, you always burn the first one.

It's hard to mess up because grilled cheese is made by you, for you. Or maybe for your little brother. You've probably made this dozens of times and you can still eat it even if it's not perfect. The problem comes in where there are more ingredients and more variables. Without the previous experience, a new cook can make bad choices right out of the gate.

Bad Choice #1 - Walking Away

Whether it's putting a pizza in the oven without setting a timer, or answering the phone when you're frying some vegetables, walking away when you are cooking is how we get charring. In my first post I talked a lot about how hot or cool things needed to be, then about time management and planning ahead. Now let's talk about minutes and seconds.

Everything about cooking is applying the right kind of heat for the right amount of time. What you don't have time for when you're cooking is distractions and hangups. Did your mother often shoo you out of the kitchen when she was cooking? This wasn't to keep you safe, this was to make sure she didn't get distracted when she was making dinner. Or interrupt her ten minute wine break. Either way, she was working on a time-sensitive product and needed to control the environment. How many sauces have been burned or cookies over-baked because of crying coming from another room? Children burn more dinners from outside the kitchen than any new cooks standing in front of the stove.

When you control the situation, you can cook anything you set your mind to. Don't walk away from lit fires, turn them down or off if you have to leave them for more than a few seconds. Buy a timer and use for anything that cooks over 10 minutes, but always cook meats to temp, not time. Buy a thermometer.

Quick Tip: If anything starts smoking (such as burned popcorn) dump it into a metal bowl and pop it in the freezer; it arrests the cooking and stops the smoking. I learned this working at a [Major Retailer] snack bar with a 550F popcorn kettle. That distinctive smell got all over the store a few times a week before I taught everyone this trick.

Bad Choice #2 - TL;DR

Read your recipes all the way to the end, taking note of the verbs and adverbs. You don't want to be halfway through cooking something and then notice the word "blanch" or "julienne" and think you somehow printed out something about The Golden Girls. You also might want to walk through the steps in your head and make sure you have everything clean and ready, because the word "drain" indicates you need a clean colander ready for your rapidly over-cooking pasta. I only did this a few dozen times before I discovered the "al dente" cooking time on the box is better than the "sure, that looks done" time. Cooking is in the verbs, so use this list for reference.

Bad Choice #3 - Cooking Alone

Never be afraid to call for help - to the other room or your mother's house. Chances are someone you know has been there before. If you suddenly need an ingredient you forgot to buy, it's rarely a big deal to ask a neighbor for an egg or a cup of milk. We may not live in a Leave It To Beaver world anymore, but everyone has been there and it's a good excuse to introduce yourself. As a beggar. Pity is an over-looked virtue these days.

Don't give up

Remember that failure is not a total loss if you learned something. Don't let fear of failure keep you from trying new foods and eating healthier meals. Practice cooking with friends and family. Make special nights of it. Bonding over a well cooked meal is the birthright of every human on this earth since we learned how to make fire. Don't let a few decades of modern convenience and fast food steal that away from you.

care and keeping of sharps

I'm back to cooking blogger mode to talk about my favorite tools in the kitchen: knives. A good, sharp knife is necessary to divide large food into smaller, manageable chunks. Or bites. Or bits. Knife skills are a cornerstone of cooking and you can't get around it unless you want to buy pre-cut frozen everything for the rest of your life, and of course you don't because your freezer barely holds three frozen pizzas and a handle of vodka half-filled ice cube tray. So to move forward, you'll have to follow me into the danger zone.

Unlike this guy, I am not responsible for any training accidents.

First thing, I need you to get over your fear of cutting yourself. It's a childish fear that was instilled in you at a young age and you just need to grow up. Just kidding. Cutting yourself can seriously slow down or even halt a meal production and you need to be careful. What you really need to remember is you are less likely to cut yourself with a sharp knife than a dull one. Dull knives require more force to use, and the blade can deflect sideways right into the fingers you were hoping to keep scar-free. Less force, greater control, less time and human-blood-free meals. That's a win-win-win-win. To keep them sharp, you'll need a honing steel.

Listen to Alton Brown explain how use a honing steel in less than one minute:

Did you hear what he said at the end? Leave sharpening "to the professionals", if you can. Commercial "sharpeners" will ruin your knives. If the honing steel isn't working anymore, or you've chipped a blade, a whet stone sharpening kit is the only way to properly sharpen a knife at home. Remember, a sharpener removes metal, so the more you use it, closer you get to having to replace a knife (which isn't terrible, I love knife shopping.) This video is a perfect demonstration of the technique.

The next part of taking care of your knives is the cutting surface. Never use a glass or stone cutting board. Those materials are too hard and will dull or even blunt your knives in a very short time. Wood cutting boards are the best, but they get a bad reputation because they are porous, and that supposedly makes them unsanitary. That is a myth, and lifehacker.com can set your mind at ease: "there's no significant antibacterial benefit from using a plastic cutting board over a wood one." My personal favorite (because I have very limited counter space) is my 18.5"x12" plastic Architec Gripper cutting board, which is big enough to lay across my sink or stove top and doesn't slide around because the bottom is covered with rubber feet. (Unfortunately, it appears the company only makes up to an 14"x11" size now.)

Lastly, the Dos and Don'ts list:

• Don't keep your knives in a drawer where they will rub up against each other. Use the a knife block or magnet strip for storage.
• Do check your handles for cracks, especially after dropping them, as the blade could come loose on some knives.
• Don't buy "miracle" blades or any other cheap "As Seen On TV" knives.
• Do consider knives an investment and look to spend about $80-100 on a good set. They will last forever if you take care of them.
• Don't leave your knives soaking in water and do hand wash them right after each use. The blades can rust if left in water, and a dishwasher detergent can damage blades and wooden handles.
• Do read the appendix if you have specific questions about what knives to look for.

Summary Appendix of Knives

This Wikipedia article covers at least twenty times the technical information about knives than I am going to cover here. If you rather skip my terrible jokes and movie references, you can read it instead and be a knife nerd like me. Consider this the TL;DR summary.

The first sharp knife anyone knows is the Chef's knife. This is the knife that your grandma used to chop carrots for stew, your dad used to carve the turkey at Thanksgiving, and last thing Janet Leigh saw in "Psycho." You know, your all-purpose knife. Professional chefs will spend hundreds of hours practicing with this one knife and will use it for almost everything. It can be intimidating and unwieldy for beginners, but it will get you through more meal preps for less money than any other knife.

However, the Chef's knife is falling out of style in some American kitchens and being replaced by the fancier sounding Santoku, or "three uses" knife. The three uses are slicing, dicing and mincing; that is cutting vegetables into big pieces, small pieces, and little bits. A few knife sets now have this knife instead of a Chef's. But, then what do you use for meat?

A boning knife. This is usually the first knife you reach for to open a letter or use as a screwdriver. It can also cut raw meat better than most any other knife. Boning knives have a fine curved tip, and assuming you haven't already forgotten what I said about sharpness, it will separate skin and bone from your meat products more easily than a Chef's knife because of the short, slender blade.

A standard set of kitchen knives comes with a bread knife, but you need it only for soft bread. Sure, its 10 inch serrated edge seams to be designed for sawing through the outer crust of artisan breads, but I've found a sharp straight edge will cut baguettes and bagels more cleanly. The bread knife is designed for soft homemade bread and rolls; hard crust or dense breads have the structure to resist squishing under the additional pressure required by straight edge knives.

The last essential is the paring knife. This is a mini-Chef's knife used to cut fruit and remove seeds. Sometimes called a peeler, the knife is also used to make garnishes and cut cheese. Its name is linked to where we get the word "pre-pare", as in to cut away unwanted bits from food before it is served. Get into the habit of saying you are "preparing" the food instead of "making" it; it sounds better and reminds you that this food will be presented to others and they damn well better respect your efforts.

waiting for my cue

As I have mentioned in a previous post, we are awaiting our second child with the anticipation that only comes from having lost so much of ourselves in the loss of our first child. I've been in standby mode for so long, I have a hard time remembering what I used to be like and what I used to do before my life went off the rails. What was supposed to be a hiatus from church has turned into taking a full inventory about what I believe about God and choosing a new path. There is another thing I put on hold that has been a major part of my life and identity for over 12 years. Much like the Holy Church taught me to love and serve God and the needy, I learned about the value of working with others to serve the community through art from the Church of Bacchus, AKA local community theater.

There and back again (thanks, Bilbo)

Everyone likes movies, everyone watches TV and everyone likes some kind of music. Most people can tell you what books they would read, "if they had the time." Entertaining content is created, copied and sold the mass audiences every day of the year, but a local play only runs a few weekends. Why do we bother to compete with the convenience and talent of multi-billion dollar industries for a few minutes fame? Hundreds of man hours are volunteered year after year to put on shows for a fickle public. Friendships are forged in the fires of tech-week, families and marriages are strained with the effort to make it to rehearsals and performances. We pound lines into our heads only to have some of them melt away under the hot lights of opening weekend, much to our costar's chagrin. Some people go to audition after audition after audition, but due to limited parts and the highly competitive nature of the art, they are never allowed the chance in the spotlight. And still we attend, and compete, and sometimes perform. The risks involved are many, but the rewards and community are worth every minute because it's not about who you are, it's who you can be.

The raw potential of each production is staggering. Some shows are well known and draw all sorts of people out of the community's proverbial "woodwork" to audition. Others are heavy dramas that require personal phone calls and pre-made casting decisions to ensure a production worthy of the material. This blog is named for a day I was standing on a freshly-struck bare stage and thought about the show that just ended. I was impressed that it often starts with someone hammering together a few hundred dollars worth of wood into a sturdy platform, but much like a family makes a house a home, it's the local theatre community that turns a platform into a stage. An empty stage is where a show starts and where it ends. Building something worth watching on that potential requires a monumental effort from a performance community that is willing to try, and a fan community willing to make the time to attend. Being an active member of that community takes more time than I can spare right now, and that's okay because it will still be there when I'm ready to go back. 

I miss theatre terribly some days. Last year, when Neil Patrick Harris performed the Tony's opening number, he broke into a powerfully aspirational statement right in the middle and it hit me right in the feels. Theatre performance makes up so much of my self-image, I don't know who I am without it. I have been all but absent from the local scene for a year and a half, but my friends are still out there working hard and putting on inspiring and entertaining shows. "Circle Mirror Transformation" was one I was very happy we got to see. If it wasn't for the thoughtful invitation of a friend in the Heartland Theatre Company, we might have missed it and missed out on this beautiful production. The show reminded me that even the exercises that help actors interact with each other help create the friendships that I have enjoyed for so many years now.

Keep up the good work everyone; I miss you all and wish you the best from my aisle seat.

life on the edges

It's been a few days and I would be more consistent, but I'm not. I'm just being true to myself. Post production will improve. Eventually. Right?

Where do you go?

I currently sit on the edge of a wide ranging sub-culture I used to identify with, the White Christian American anthropological group. I am still white, Christian and American, but I no longer feel a part of the structure that I lived under for the first 30 years of my life. And this isn't the first time.

You can never go home again, as they say.

I desperately want to be a part of the culture again, to feel a part of something bigger than myself (truly bigger than the whole of known existence) and more important than any one person's problems. That's the amazing pull of the Christian faith, to know you are more than the sum of your parts and more loved than you will ever understand. That's the motto, God loves you as you are. Jesus loves you as you are. The Church loves you as... well, we'll get to that part.

As you can imagine, being alienated from the Church for the -third- time in my life, I have less of an inclination to return. There are scads of articles about how to get men back into church, to draw them back into a life of church-going. Some assume these men are in dire straits, just begging to be brought in from the cold, unfeeling world. Some offer men forgiveness so they can feel good about themselves again. Others offer various levels of brotherhood: "We have coffee! We have game nights! We have guns!" This assumes an average man is bored by church services, or church doesn't feel manly enough.

My case is a stubborn attachment to the ideal of Compassion above all else. I say 'compassion', because everywhere I turn, someone has another definition of Love (or in some nerdier churches, Agape). Nine times out of ten, when someone is seen to be committing a Sin-of-the-Week (such as lusting, a major favorite), they will say that confronting people is the most "loving" thing a good Christian can do. They are told "be gentle, but firm in your conviction. If they refuse to correct their behavior, you should bring it up to a pastor. If they resist the pastoral correction, they are subject to church discipline."

"Love" is just another word for peer pressure in many churches. Conformity to a set of rules is more important than the often referenced but seldom seen "Christian freedom". 'Freedom from sin is found in obedience to God', as the logic goes, but the definition of obedience changes from house to house and church to church. Freedom to be who you are, but only within narrow parameters, creates a predictable church of like-minded people, but everyone else is pushed out. Instead of trying to see the world from the perspective of the outsiders (to try to understand them better), we hustle them inside and tell them they are seeing things wrong. Evangelism is the idea that you have everything already figured out, and it's just a matter of convincing people that you are right. False empathy leads thousands of Christians to believe they understand everyone's problems and it's simply a matter of faith.

Empathy is a building block of civilized society. Empathy leads to sympathy and sympathy to compassion, the feeling that drives a person to act on someone else's behalf. Charity is the ultimate expression of compassion, offering free food, shelter, clothes, medical services and/or money to people who have too little to survive without help. Compassionate charity used to be the backbone of true Christian living, and today it can be seen mostly in foreign missionary work. I'm seeing it being squeezed out here at home by the new kind of "love": Capitalist Moralism.

Let me tell you a story

Capitalism dictates that you cannot receive what you did not earn, other than God's love, of course. Moralism is the belief that a person is of little to no value if they have vices, a person with "loose morals" can't be trusted with anything. So we find a charismatic speaker and pay him a salary to be super moral and preach moral lessons from the Bible. Every week, a portion of everyone's income goes into the hat, the lights stay on, the preacher keeps preaching, and a social bubble is created. Outsiders are now "sinners", "the lost" or "future members". Insiders are now required to continually prove their commitment to the common cause by volunteering their time and money for special projects or ongoing programs. Bylaws are written and followed, a code of conduct is developed. Obedience to the leadership becomes more than a suggestion, it's required to remain a member in good standing, and being in good standing is the best part of living in this bubble. It might even be the only good part.
Meanwhile, there is little to nothing left over for the people in need just outside the chapel doors. A single mother is handed a tract and pointed to the nearest shelter. A pot head sits in the back every week, but is rarely greeted. This goes on for a few decades, all the original members get old, and the church slowly loses relevancy in the neighborhood. The church disbands and all remaining faithful join other congregations.

Or that's what happens most of the time.

Sometimes a "miracle" happens instead. Someone with good business sense becomes a leader in the church. His ideas are fresh and his budget planning is dynamic. He recruits more men like him, and slowly the church becomes profitable by attracting people with more money. That money is then spun into family programs, larger screens, better buildings, softer chairs, brighter lights, trendier music. More pastors are hired to shepherd the growing flock, and the pastors "earn" bigger salaries as attendance grows. It's a BIG bubble, but now it's full of faithfully generous middle-class people. The church is finally big enough with enough extra money left over to alleviate every possible need in the community... and then they don't. The church has been run like a business so long, the budget to help the poor is about 13% on average (note: there are no real dollar amounts on any of these charts.)

Compassionate work is the "love your neighbor as yourself" part of Church, AKA the second great commandment of Christ. All the bylaws and moral code adherence is based on the idea that you first love God most, and then also love all other people as if they were extensions of your self image. This bar is almost insanely high. That is part of reason that even though there are about 450,000 individual church congregations in the US of A, there are still under-served individuals in every community. The de-emphasis on neighborly empathy is at best negligent, and at worst punitive.

It starts with empathy

So where does this leave me? I pray for a Church that is outrageously inclusive. That's all I'm really talking about anyway, as I know many people will be highly defensive of their church or outreach program. I'm not here to knock your church, I'm expressing my own loss of faith in The Church to reverse this trend toward spending 87% of the operating budget on everything other than helping the poor. I don't want a comments section full of messages about how great your church is (to you, from your perspective). Being a liberal Christian in America today makes me incompatible with almost every congregational model because of only one small difference - I want to love everyone as they are. Gay, transgender, strung out, too poor to give, emotional or depressed, disaffected, single parent, divorced, abused, criminal or ex-con, barely believing in a vague God-like concept but wanting more... that is not a bubble. It's an unpredictable, nearly explosive mix of people coming into your chapel/auditorium/stadium every single Sunday and into your homes for Bible study every week. These are also the people that need your church the most. Can you lighten up on the anti-gay, pro-traditional family, anti-abortion, pro-capitalist message from the mass-media long enough to love people the way Jesus explicitly told you to? Can churches survive cutting entertainment and member program budgets to crank up the portion given away to poor, non-member populations? 

I would be very excited to join a church that has a single spotlight on piano player leading us all in old hymns if the money saved in the media budget could be used to house a dozen homeless people that month. But that might put off the benefactors that want a big band and professional music pastor. I would love to be part of a small group that let each member take a turn leading, even if that means letting a transgender woman talk about how they identify with the woman Jesus met at the well. But that might scare away the young WASP families that need to grow up in the church to maintain a "core membership". I'd love a Church that abandons politics and legislative process (i.e. voter registration programs and letter writing campaigns) to focus on restoring dignity to the human beings at their doorsteps instead. I want a church that rejects well-padded budgets and strives for frighteningly generous giving.

God help me, that's all I'm looking for.

Food Fails

I still don't know what I want to be. Today I am a food blogger. Tomorrow I'll probably write something esoteric about the moral structure of Kurosawa movies, but today I'm talking about Food Fails.

Lists like these are pure schadenfreude. Someone sees a lovely bit of Food Porn, or Pinterest photo perfection and think "I can do that, I own a hand mixer!" Even with step-by-step photo illustrations, people across the internet are sharing their frustration with cooks holding back the keys to producing professional looking results. I want to address a few things that are leading to so many failures in our internet-enabled kitchens.

1 - Heating and Cooling

This is number one because most of these projects could have been saved with proper heat or proper cooling. Frying foods (especially eggs) requires an understanding of heat and flame that most people do not possess. Your stove might have markings that read "High-Med-Low/Simmer", but unless you know how much heat those settings produce with your personal cookware, you are going too make a mess of things very quickly.  According to the National Fire Protection Association, 40% of all house fires are caused by cooking related incidents. I would wager that most had the heat too high.

If you haven't already removed the battery ages ago.

What your stove is trying to tell you:
High: Boil Water/Burn everything else. Also useful if you can cook with a Wok without burning your house down.
Med-High = Always be stirring or covering. As soon as things start to burn, TURN IT OFF.
This setting is suggested by every skillet-ready frozen dinner on the market and assumes that A. you have a non-stick skillet of at least 12" and B. that skillet has a lid. "Keep covered" and "stir frequently" are best combination to ensure a nervous cook burns a meal that still has frozen bits in it.
Medium: The breakfast setting. Pancakes, eggs, bacon, sausage - Everything cooks through, everything thing is... still burned if you turn your back for a minute. Keep an eye on it and turn it down a bit if you see smoke.
Low: Sauces, Custards and Candy. Most people have never used low heat because no one makes their own sauce from scratch, Americans like boxed pudding mix, and candy is mass produced, so why bother? You bother because it's very relaxing to cook a cup of hot chocolate from milk, cocoa powder, sugar and a pinch of salt. You bother because hollandaise sauce is fantastic and has to be made fresh. You bother because you have to melt the candy coating for cake-pops and pretzel dips. So, there are a few things.

The other side of the coin is cooling. Anyone can make a cake these days. The boxes of mix are cheap, the pans are cheap, the instructions are easy. But then why are there so many cake disasters? Cake after miserable cake has the frosting sliding off sides or melting out of the middle. The key word here is melting.

The last thing written on the cake mix box is "cool completely before frosting". Most people have no idea how long this can take. As seen here, rack cooling is the fastest method, but how long to wait? In winter, 40% humidity and 65F in kitchen means it should be cool enough in an hour of cooling on a rack. Summer? 80% humidity and 80F in the kitchen could add another hour. You can also use an instant thermometer to be sure it isn't still leaking heat and moisture from the center.
What kind of frosting are you using? Canned frosting should not melt below 80F, but can be hard to spread below 60F. Butter cream frosting has to be kept in an icewater bath when it's being mixed and applied. After decorating, all cakes need to be refrigerated immediately to stiffen the frosting and avoid a Dali-esque surrealist cake. Buy a cake cover or container and make room in the fridge before you begin decorating.

2 - Time and Laziness

The other problem with something that looks easy is that professionals have years of skill and experience on their side. I can't count how many pie crusts I've over-worked and cookies I've burned over the years. Take every step and instruction seriously. Notice how much I've written so far? That's just first and final steps in a recipe. What about "cook, but do not boil"? What about "If dough is too stiff, add 1 Tbsp water"? Experience is the only way of knowing the difference between "golden brown" and "caramelized" just by looking at a pan a cookies. What you need is guidance and practice.

Guidance is not "Google it". That how we get falling cakes and burned dinners. No, you need to find someone that has been successful preparing what you're trying to serve. Don't be embarrassed to ask your grandmother to show you around her favorite meal preparations. Most cooks learn from doing, and we are now two generations removed from people that did most of their cooking from scratch. Healthy cooking starts with learning how to cook from fresh, basic ingredients. Don't let fear of failure keep you from learning a life-skill that will pay off every generation that it is passed down. Learning to cook could affect the quality of life for your great-grandchildren if you make it a family tradition now.

Practice before you present. If you're cooking for your new boyfriend for the first time, cooking Thanksgiving dinner for 12, or baking a Thomas the Tank Engine cake for your nephew, do a dry run ahead of time on anything you've never previously attempted. If you get a less than stellar result, go over the steps again, and if need be, find a similar recipe that others have tried with greater success. Don't rush into something with too little time and expect everything to turn out. Cooking dinner can take much longer than you'd expect and baking should be done a day ahead of the event.

Watch instructional cooking shows. The most instructional of all is Alton Brown's Good Eats. He explains the methods and the science behind every recipe. Follow along as he works and you will learn so much you won't believe it. He's the Bill Nye of cooking.

3 - Equipment

A complete kitchen is a successful kitchen. Here is a list of must-haves and could-needs for every cook:

Must-have:
Quality, sharp knife set: carving [meat], santoku [vege], paring [fruit], bread [crusty foods], and a honing steel. (I will probably do a whole post about knives later.)
Spatulas (buy a 4 pack of silicone, they are the best)
Mixing bowls: the more sizes the better, glass and metal whenever possible)
Pots: Heavy bottom; anodized or ceramic non-stick surface, or stainless steel. All with lids. No aluminum interiors. Avoid Teflon
Baking pans: glass and coated metal. Again, collect a variety of sizes and shapes.)
Cooling racks
Hand mixer
Rolling pin
Instant Thermometer
Cutting boards: at least two - one for meat and one for vegetable prep; plastic is the best all around.
Hand tools: whisks, ladles, wooden spoons, slotted spoon, "pancake" turners, potato peeler,

Could need:
Stand mixer (Kitchen Aid is the best. Save up, it's worth it.)
Roasting pan
Pizza stone
Pizza peel
Pizza wheel (pizza is very special, we must take care of it)
Digital scale
Candy thermometer
Garlic press

Thanks for reading!

A step back

I'm 15 pages into my play and I'm realizing that, while it's not bad dialog, and the characters are shaping up, nothing is happening. It's boring and the themes are common. My imagination is limited by my refusal to try anything difficult to write. This is not a problem that I have with my novel. I have villages, adventure, drama, unique concepts and mechanics.

But my play about middle-class white people problems makes me want to puke. I've put hours of work into something I'd never pay to see. I know what I hate about them - they have no real struggle, no life in them. I'm not even using them to say interesting things; I just want to express a general longing for more. Which coming from a family of successful adults is a pitiful effort. It makes them sound whiny. This one goes into the "fix it" file. Maybe someday those characters will have something to say, but not from a place of strength and opportunity. I have to let them wander around in my head for a while until they have more to contribute.

In other news...
We've been waiting for weeks to have our first (and hopefully only) sonogram, but now an ice storm has pushed it back to Wednesday. I would love to say this is the most exciting appointment of the pregnancy, but we are leaving the gender a mystery until birth, so this is just a little check-up, with strange gray slices of baby-shaped love.

False Analogy

I was going to draw an analogy between cooking and writing, but the similarities are minimal. Cooking can take hours to prepare and minutes to eat. Writing takes a lot more time than reading, but that's the general difference between creation and consumption. An artist will take months to paint or sculpt something worth displaying in a gallery, but the average person will merely glance at it, or at most stare for a minute or two. Fine details are for geeks and fanatics.

If you write something that is entertaining but isn't very good, very few people will notice the mediocrity and even fewer will be able to explain the shortcomings. You have to be comfortable with the speed of your improvement or you'll never keep going. Writers that create "young adult" fiction are often treated as grade school teachers. "Sure, you're published, but all your fans are children. Let me know when you can communicate on an adult level." This is often a style choice, or even a marketing decision made by the publisher. It really says nothing about the writer other than how accessible they want their books to be. 

There is always a gap between the writer and reader, and it is up to the writer to build most of the bridge. You have to decide by the end how far you are going to reach before your concept is compromised by the accommodation. Factors that will affect the reach of your work include: limited scope, artistic freedom, literary allusions, grammar grade level, idea complexity, image density, tropes (used honestly and ironically), verbosity, etc and so on. It's all part of your style, and learning how to follow your instincts while consciously controlling these factors is the great challenge of creative writing. And it's loads of fun.

The more I read, the more I suck

This is how I write: "Rubbish rubbish rubbish. Rubbish better rubbish. Oops, I think I stole that bit. This is crap. It's just like that thing I read, but awful. Everyone will notice the similarity and think I stole it. I better start over."

If I compare my writing to my old writing, I'm much better than I used to be. If I compare myself to published authors, I'm crap. My hurdle for the day is to finish my crap first draft, no matter how crap it is.

The Merciful Silence (a very short story)

Elliot entered the apartment building through the disused side door, avoiding a likely confrontation with the seventy-two year old woman that lives in the apartment below him. Climbing the stairs to the 5th floor was a small price to pay for one more day without having to explain the shouting match she heard last night will be the last. He'd told her this before, but this time was surely the last time she'd have to hear angry exchanges with Lauren; the last time Lauren would say "I'm leaving, and I'm never coming back!"

Elliot opened the door to his quiet, sparsely decorated apartment. Looking around he notices a gap on the wall above the couch, a frame was missing, but he couldn't immediately recall what had been there that morning. Hanging his coat next to the door, his eyes next fell on the empty space where the doormat had been. A short tour of the bedroom, bathroom and refrigerator revealed that she had broken her promise and had returned, but only to collect her things, and a few of his. Elliot's cat, Ebony, meowed piteously from the corner of the living room where her favorite wicker chair used to reside. "Sorry deary, it was her chair." he tried to explain. Lauren's clothes, furniture, toothbrush and feminine products were gone, as expected, but so were the good towels, the 600-thread-count bed sheets and the shower curtain, leaving only the clear plastic liner. She had done a thorough sweep of every room, removing any and every object that might give her reason to return again. Still, she left him with a painful sense of finality, and that would have to be enough to carry him until he could replace the coffee maker.

Writing and cooking

Wow, day two and I'm writing again!

Today I'm writing a play for a contest at a local community theater. I've been tossing the idea around in my head for a while now, and I've only recently decided that I really, truly want to be a writer. I suppose I'll write plays and novels and never make any money at it, but that's usually how it goes. I've never had more free time to do so in over a decade, so we'll see how long it lasts before I have to get a job again and burn all my energies making money for someone else.

A strange note on careers.
I never really wanted to be anything as a child except a baker. I generally liked cooking and baking, and I watched the early cooking shows on TLC before they got their own channel. This is the closest thing I ever had to a dream career, but I never went after it because no one ever told me that there are professional cooks who make a living cooking good food. There are the TV cooks, with their merchandise and cookbooks and DVDs. There are chefs with expensive restaurants in Big Cities. There are chefs who work for national chains that come up with a hundred ways to sell a burger and fries. But I've almost never seen the kind of cook I wanted to be until I saw Jamie Oliver trying to sell american kids on the idea that food can be healthy, fresh, and fun to cook. He is only six years older than me, but he inspires me with every attempt he makes to put a dent in our grease stained culture of bad food prepared a fast as possible. If I could go back and choose a new path, I'd start with a being like Jamie Oliver.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jamie_Oliver

the right to write

It's a million times easier to start a blog than to write one for a week. I should know, I've started this blog six or seven times. The problem is I don't know what it's about.

It was going to be thoughts on live theatre, how relationships are built and destroyed by disagreements about amateur theatre productions. How fickle and how profound the storytelling craft can be, even within a fairly small, devoted community of players. But then I stopped acting, because life is real, and marriage is time consuming, and children need raising.

We had a super strong, eleven-pound boy and we got to keep him at home for eleven days. Then he had a severe and sudden brain bleed and died three days later. This the universe I inhabit and speak from, because nothing has so profoundly changed how I see the world as this moment in my life.

That was over a year ago now and we are expecting our second baby in July. We have mixed feelings that we can't predict. Are we not finding out the gender at the ultrasound because we want to be surprised at the birth, or because we don't want to get too attached in case something goes wrong? Would we be more happy with a girl because she would remind us less of our lost boy, or would a new boy feel like we got him back in some way? Is it bad to even have a preference? How can we possibly be so sure we're ready after such a loss? I already love this little one as deeply as I've ever loved anyone. I'm scared out of my mind sometimes. Everything is going to be okay.