Food Fails pt 2

While I was doing more research into more Food Fails, I had the following conversation with my wife, Laura:

L "Do you have to stand there and stir it the whole time?"
Me "Yes."
L "Why? It seems dumb that you have to stand over it."
Me "Most cream sauces like gravy have to be stirred the whole time or they'll cook unevenly and burn."
L "Oh, I didn't know that."

It's here that I realized I was going about my research the wrong way. Food Fails are pictures of food that was almost okay. I need to start where the fear begins, where the fires start. I need to go all the way back to grilled cheese.

Starter foods

I don't know an adult that cannot make a grilled cheese, even if it's a bad one. My wife is afraid of cooking most things, but not grilled cheese because it's a very simple recipe:

2 slices of bread

1 slice of cheese (probably a plastic wrapped "cheese single")

Butter

Place any size skillet over fire. Butter both slices of bread. Place one slice butter-side down on skillet, stack unwrapped cheese on top, and add second slice of bread butter-side up. Check underside using a spatula. Crap, it's already burning. Flip sandwich and turn heat down to low. Wait 30 seconds. Is the cheese melting? Yes? Good. Is the bottom tan? Kinda? It's done. It's a little darker on one side, but you can scrape that off. Flip onto plate and cut corner-to-corner. TURN OFF STOVE.

Seriously, you always burn the first one.

It's hard to mess up because grilled cheese is made by you, for you. Or maybe for your little brother. You've probably made this dozens of times and you can still eat it even if it's not perfect. The problem comes in where there are more ingredients and more variables. Without the previous experience, a new cook can make bad choices right out of the gate.

Bad Choice #1 - Walking Away

Whether it's putting a pizza in the oven without setting a timer, or answering the phone when you're frying some vegetables, walking away when you are cooking is how we get charring. In my first post I talked a lot about how hot or cool things needed to be, then about time management and planning ahead. Now let's talk about minutes and seconds.

Everything about cooking is applying the right kind of heat for the right amount of time. What you don't have time for when you're cooking is distractions and hangups. Did your mother often shoo you out of the kitchen when she was cooking? This wasn't to keep you safe, this was to make sure she didn't get distracted when she was making dinner. Or interrupt her ten minute wine break. Either way, she was working on a time-sensitive product and needed to control the environment. How many sauces have been burned or cookies over-baked because of crying coming from another room? Children burn more dinners from outside the kitchen than any new cooks standing in front of the stove.

When you control the situation, you can cook anything you set your mind to. Don't walk away from lit fires, turn them down or off if you have to leave them for more than a few seconds. Buy a timer and use for anything that cooks over 10 minutes, but always cook meats to temp, not time. Buy a thermometer.

Quick Tip: If anything starts smoking (such as burned popcorn) dump it into a metal bowl and pop it in the freezer; it arrests the cooking and stops the smoking. I learned this working at a [Major Retailer] snack bar with a 550F popcorn kettle. That distinctive smell got all over the store a few times a week before I taught everyone this trick.

Bad Choice #2 - TL;DR

Read your recipes all the way to the end, taking note of the verbs and adverbs. You don't want to be halfway through cooking something and then notice the word "blanch" or "julienne" and think you somehow printed out something about The Golden Girls. You also might want to walk through the steps in your head and make sure you have everything clean and ready, because the word "drain" indicates you need a clean colander ready for your rapidly over-cooking pasta. I only did this a few dozen times before I discovered the "al dente" cooking time on the box is better than the "sure, that looks done" time. Cooking is in the verbs, so use this list for reference.

Bad Choice #3 - Cooking Alone

Never be afraid to call for help - to the other room or your mother's house. Chances are someone you know has been there before. If you suddenly need an ingredient you forgot to buy, it's rarely a big deal to ask a neighbor for an egg or a cup of milk. We may not live in a Leave It To Beaver world anymore, but everyone has been there and it's a good excuse to introduce yourself. As a beggar. Pity is an over-looked virtue these days.

Don't give up

Remember that failure is not a total loss if you learned something. Don't let fear of failure keep you from trying new foods and eating healthier meals. Practice cooking with friends and family. Make special nights of it. Bonding over a well cooked meal is the birthright of every human on this earth since we learned how to make fire. Don't let a few decades of modern convenience and fast food steal that away from you.