Food Fails

I still don't know what I want to be. Today I am a food blogger. Tomorrow I'll probably write something esoteric about the moral structure of Kurosawa movies, but today I'm talking about Food Fails.

Lists like these are pure schadenfreude. Someone sees a lovely bit of Food Porn, or Pinterest photo perfection and think "I can do that, I own a hand mixer!" Even with step-by-step photo illustrations, people across the internet are sharing their frustration with cooks holding back the keys to producing professional looking results. I want to address a few things that are leading to so many failures in our internet-enabled kitchens.

1 - Heating and Cooling

This is number one because most of these projects could have been saved with proper heat or proper cooling. Frying foods (especially eggs) requires an understanding of heat and flame that most people do not possess. Your stove might have markings that read "High-Med-Low/Simmer", but unless you know how much heat those settings produce with your personal cookware, you are going too make a mess of things very quickly.  According to the National Fire Protection Association, 40% of all house fires are caused by cooking related incidents. I would wager that most had the heat too high.

If you haven't already removed the battery ages ago.

What your stove is trying to tell you:
High: Boil Water/Burn everything else. Also useful if you can cook with a Wok without burning your house down.
Med-High = Always be stirring or covering. As soon as things start to burn, TURN IT OFF.
This setting is suggested by every skillet-ready frozen dinner on the market and assumes that A. you have a non-stick skillet of at least 12" and B. that skillet has a lid. "Keep covered" and "stir frequently" are best combination to ensure a nervous cook burns a meal that still has frozen bits in it.
Medium: The breakfast setting. Pancakes, eggs, bacon, sausage - Everything cooks through, everything thing is... still burned if you turn your back for a minute. Keep an eye on it and turn it down a bit if you see smoke.
Low: Sauces, Custards and Candy. Most people have never used low heat because no one makes their own sauce from scratch, Americans like boxed pudding mix, and candy is mass produced, so why bother? You bother because it's very relaxing to cook a cup of hot chocolate from milk, cocoa powder, sugar and a pinch of salt. You bother because hollandaise sauce is fantastic and has to be made fresh. You bother because you have to melt the candy coating for cake-pops and pretzel dips. So, there are a few things.

The other side of the coin is cooling. Anyone can make a cake these days. The boxes of mix are cheap, the pans are cheap, the instructions are easy. But then why are there so many cake disasters? Cake after miserable cake has the frosting sliding off sides or melting out of the middle. The key word here is melting.

The last thing written on the cake mix box is "cool completely before frosting". Most people have no idea how long this can take. As seen here, rack cooling is the fastest method, but how long to wait? In winter, 40% humidity and 65F in kitchen means it should be cool enough in an hour of cooling on a rack. Summer? 80% humidity and 80F in the kitchen could add another hour. You can also use an instant thermometer to be sure it isn't still leaking heat and moisture from the center.
What kind of frosting are you using? Canned frosting should not melt below 80F, but can be hard to spread below 60F. Butter cream frosting has to be kept in an icewater bath when it's being mixed and applied. After decorating, all cakes need to be refrigerated immediately to stiffen the frosting and avoid a Dali-esque surrealist cake. Buy a cake cover or container and make room in the fridge before you begin decorating.

2 - Time and Laziness

The other problem with something that looks easy is that professionals have years of skill and experience on their side. I can't count how many pie crusts I've over-worked and cookies I've burned over the years. Take every step and instruction seriously. Notice how much I've written so far? That's just first and final steps in a recipe. What about "cook, but do not boil"? What about "If dough is too stiff, add 1 Tbsp water"? Experience is the only way of knowing the difference between "golden brown" and "caramelized" just by looking at a pan a cookies. What you need is guidance and practice.

Guidance is not "Google it". That how we get falling cakes and burned dinners. No, you need to find someone that has been successful preparing what you're trying to serve. Don't be embarrassed to ask your grandmother to show you around her favorite meal preparations. Most cooks learn from doing, and we are now two generations removed from people that did most of their cooking from scratch. Healthy cooking starts with learning how to cook from fresh, basic ingredients. Don't let fear of failure keep you from learning a life-skill that will pay off every generation that it is passed down. Learning to cook could affect the quality of life for your great-grandchildren if you make it a family tradition now.

Practice before you present. If you're cooking for your new boyfriend for the first time, cooking Thanksgiving dinner for 12, or baking a Thomas the Tank Engine cake for your nephew, do a dry run ahead of time on anything you've never previously attempted. If you get a less than stellar result, go over the steps again, and if need be, find a similar recipe that others have tried with greater success. Don't rush into something with too little time and expect everything to turn out. Cooking dinner can take much longer than you'd expect and baking should be done a day ahead of the event.

Watch instructional cooking shows. The most instructional of all is Alton Brown's Good Eats. He explains the methods and the science behind every recipe. Follow along as he works and you will learn so much you won't believe it. He's the Bill Nye of cooking.

3 - Equipment

A complete kitchen is a successful kitchen. Here is a list of must-haves and could-needs for every cook:

Must-have:
Quality, sharp knife set: carving [meat], santoku [vege], paring [fruit], bread [crusty foods], and a honing steel. (I will probably do a whole post about knives later.)
Spatulas (buy a 4 pack of silicone, they are the best)
Mixing bowls: the more sizes the better, glass and metal whenever possible)
Pots: Heavy bottom; anodized or ceramic non-stick surface, or stainless steel. All with lids. No aluminum interiors. Avoid Teflon
Baking pans: glass and coated metal. Again, collect a variety of sizes and shapes.)
Cooling racks
Hand mixer
Rolling pin
Instant Thermometer
Cutting boards: at least two - one for meat and one for vegetable prep; plastic is the best all around.
Hand tools: whisks, ladles, wooden spoons, slotted spoon, "pancake" turners, potato peeler,

Could need:
Stand mixer (Kitchen Aid is the best. Save up, it's worth it.)
Roasting pan
Pizza stone
Pizza peel
Pizza wheel (pizza is very special, we must take care of it)
Digital scale
Candy thermometer
Garlic press

Thanks for reading!